[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
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You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.