After 35, your body ages in dog years
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I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
this is the best day of my life
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.