Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
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If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.