My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
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Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
Catercrombie & Fish
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.