this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
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Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home