[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
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I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…