Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
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I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”