It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
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Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
My neck, my back, my…
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*