It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
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[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
called in thicc to work this morning
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair