I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
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My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
Not all heroes wear capes…
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.