I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
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My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats