my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
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Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
A classic…
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”