explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
You Might Also Like
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.