I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
You Might Also Like
Sheep
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
16- *getting ready for work* I have a job now so I’m basically an independent adult
Me- Your pants are inside out
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes