there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
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Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
I occasionally drink every single night.
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
Moms. The original autocorrect.
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
plant them where lol