“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
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Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag