okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
You Might Also Like
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
I feel it
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm