People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
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The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed