This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
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“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.