before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
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In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
A flock of dads is called a grill.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.