girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
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bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…