[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
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Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks