ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
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Welcome to the stomach
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.