It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
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VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
mariah carrie
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Shark week, but for squirrels.
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*