Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
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My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
i like to flex on them by shrugging
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
I have many caverns
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*