My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
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“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight