So many pants.
So little yoga.
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Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?