The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
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my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
Just so funny
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit