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Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”