Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
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ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
Haha good job!!