I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
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Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
[eulogy]
line?
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.