no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
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car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?