“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
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ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.