*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
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The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
It’s the weekend y’all
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!