FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
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Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!