Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
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I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*