Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
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Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
Phonetics
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
Smells like a challenge to me
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.