So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
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Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
Haha! 😂
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.