My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
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One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
My first son he is wonderful
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
the noise i just made
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible