Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
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I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
*power walks to the refrigerator*
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
#parenting
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer