Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
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Whoa 😂
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?