Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
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I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
I saw this ending much differently.
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.