My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
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[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.