[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
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That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
I’ve had relationships like this
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.