So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
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Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨