My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
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terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.