Cannot stop laughing at this
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I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
In case you needed to hear it:
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.