Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
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Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
Catercrombie & Fish
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.