Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
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IT’S-A ME,
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK