*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
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Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
I’d hang this in my house.
“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.